By Linda Crate
I know you’ve moved on. You made that painfully clear when you married the woman you cheated on me with.
At first I was hurt and furious. How could you humiliate me so badly? Was it not bad enough that you played me for a fool, or that I had given you my virginity, or that you didn’t understand why any of this hurt me?
I wanted to be a harpy for the longest time and rip out your vital organs and throw you into the nightmare that you cast me in because I was so broken and so hurt. It took me what seemed to be forever before I regrew from the ashes of the ruin you gave me. Learning to live again after this rudimentary death was painful and hard, but I feel this growth was something that was necessary.
I had to learn my worth. I had to realize that I wasn’t some prize to be won, and that I’ve always been more than a pretty face.
I began to realize that she couldn’t take you from me if you were truly mine. I may always be yours but you will never be mine. That thought still haunts me from time to time, but it is what it is and I can’t change it no matter how much I may want to.
She was never a homewrecker because you can’t take something that’s always been yours.
However, you were. You were untrue, you were cruel, and you were a liar. You broke all your promises to me, and to top it off you were insincere and rude about it. You pretty much blamed me for breaking my own heart before casting me out of your life insisting that we had to be strangers. You never spoke to me when I very much needed to speak to you.
Once, you told me that I couldn’t always have what I wanted. That’s true. But the same goes for you.
I hope sooner rather than later you experience moments where people genuinely make you feel as low as you’ve made me and every other woman in your life feel, so you can know a fraction of our pain.
You can’t just run from your problems, and go through people’s hearts like wrecking balls in a construction company. I know you’re hurting because you admitted it, but that doesn’t mean that you get to take this out on people in your life who are only trying to love you and help you as best they can.
I wish you had been honest with me from the start. If you didn’t love me then you never should have said you did. Stringing me along, and taking me on this ride to nowhere isn’t something I appreciate.
Maybe I should have been more careful with my heart and who I entrusted it to, but you knew I was falling and you could’ve stopped it by simply being honest. Yet, you did not, and you let me fall only so you could make me fall alone and cold onto that harsh reality and deflate like a balloon.
For the longest time I blamed myself and when I looked in the mirror I saw only a monster. An ogre, to be exact, looking back at me. I kept picking apart my flaws and everything I perceived was wrong with myself because I felt if I had only been better, that you wouldn’t have chosen her over me. I truly thought that somehow it was my fault that you cheated on me.
But I realized eventually that I was not the monster. I was not the one that destroyed someone just because I could. I was not the callous voice that insisted that I move on, I was not the one that found someone else because it was too difficult to try to fix and hold onto what we may have had.
I know that I can be hard to love and I’m pretty intense. Yet I was willing to put in the time and the effort, and all you ever gave me were excuses until the day you broke up with me. I know you said you were freeing me, but let’s be honest – you were absolving yourself of any responsibility you felt came with giving me an acceptable answer or reason for everything you had done.
All I wanted was the apology you never gave.
Your ghost still comes back to haunt me from to time. This isn’t just something that I can forget. Just because you are the expert at forgetting people and burying them in death long before their time doesn’t mean that I will ever be that way.
I am the girl that always loves, cares, and remembers long after I am deemed unlovable, loathing, and forgotten.
For my own sake I forgave you because I didn’t want the burden of rage and despair to follow me always.
I’m just having a hard time forgiving myself for playing the part of your fool. I know that everyone is deceived sometimes, but I really wish that I hadn’t listened to my starving heart; and would have rather used the rational part of my mind to decide that perhaps leaving behind everyone and everything I had ever known for a man I barely knew wasn’t a good idea.
Yet, I was too taken with the idea of an adventure. I had never been to Maine, and I thought that I was going to be with a man who would always love me. Perhaps, that was silly of me to assume.
I guess I half-expected that not only because I felt so strongly for you, but also because you are the son of a preacher. I guess those songs about preacher’s sons are definitely true now that I’ve lived through it.
Maybe my expectations were part of the reason that it hurt so much, but I don’t think it would have been too much to have asked you to be more of a human and less of a monster. To not have acted like a child who peed the bed and was trying to hide the evidence rather than to have been honest and true from the very start.
For that reason I will never respect you again no matter what, even if I’ve forgiven you, because quite honestly you were not worth my time or respect to begin with. You wasted both.
I know my worth now, however, and I will never allow any individual like you to step upon me again no matter how hungry my heart may be, because there are so many things in life that are mediocre and love should never be one of those. Love is meant to be true, burning, everlasting and an exciting adventure. That is the only love I hope to find in this life because that is the type of love that takes us into the next world and follows us always for every eternity and in every realm. I want my soul mate, not someone who just ‘likes’ me until it’s no longer convenient to them.
We all deserve someone that loves us simply as we are, and you were never that type of person. You were always trying to hedge me in and tame me, and make me less than who I am to fit your standards.
I’m not sorry that it ended or it even began, to be honest, because I clearly had lessons to learn. I’m just unimpressed that a grown man doesn’t know ‘how to human’ or how to love properly, but that’s not my problem anymore.