Letter to My Ex: Eulogy

By Fiona Tassone

Dear Ex of Mine,

Just a few short months ago we were looking into each other’s eyes and promised, hand on heart, we would always be together. I say short, because that’s the expression, isn’t it? But let me be the first to tell you, short is not how I would describe the months since you left.

I could sit here, dressed in my mourning clothes, and list adjectives to describe how things have been for me. You always did enjoy my lists, didn’t you? But I don’t need those adjectives right now, so they can stay in the drawer, right next to your poems and cards.

My memories of us are already beginning to fade. Is that just a result of time passing? That wily minx keeps moving, doesn’t she? Or is it simply a protective measure? I think that one is more likely. My heart and soul have gone into receivership and I no longer have control of this business.

But I do remember some things clearly. Like the night we first made love and I drank you in, just like the way I used to take the blood of Christ, when I still believed in that sort of thing. I remember you telling me that you loved me and I held a finger to your lips, not ready to hear such blasphemy. And I remember the night you left, being so certain that I had been caught off guard.

That wily minx is up to her old tricks again, because time has passed and I realise now that I did see the signs. I saw them and chose not to see them. I saw them and the voices in my head screamed so loud that everything else fell silent.

So, what is a girl to do? I fell apart for a while, yes, I admit. But I’ve super-glued myself together and now I should share this eulogy and lay us to rest.

You see, our relationship was not as perfect as I believed it to be. This realisation has given me the peace I need to catch that elusive gift of sleep. There were so many red flags that I dutifully ignored, granted they may have been those little cocktail flags, but they were red flags nonetheless. You worked hard to distract me from those flags, didn’t you? You did a good job, my darling.

But now I know that my lesson is learnt. I will no longer allow a man to dangle a future in front of me, like one would dangle a string in front of a kitten. I will no longer retreat into myself because a man isn’t strong enough to match my spirit with theirs.

And I will no longer depend on a man to love me in some misguided attempt to love myself.

Someone wise once told me that we all do the best with what we have. It is for this reason that I’m writing to you. You should know that I don’t hate you, although some days it crosses my mind. And I do forgive you.

Please know though, I forgive you more for my sake than yours.

So, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to lay our love in the earth and sprinkle some dirt over it.

Yours sincerely,

Ex of Yours.

 

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